…and it Feels Different Already.
Giving your kids a phone feels like preempting their childhood. Ever felt regret before doing something? Every study shows that smartphone use among teens correlates with increased mental health issues. Conversely, the research shows that 74% of those teens feel happy away from their phones.
The obvious answer seems to be to just not buy them one except now those teens feel excluded as phones are essential for interaction. Landlines are nearly obsolete and only the bravest children will text or call their friend’s parents’ phones.
The mental gymnastics to rationalize this decision never lands. I know that the need to communicate increases as my boys become more independent. So they need a phone.
My twins are stepping into their teenage years. This milestone feels huge—not just for them but also for me. After years of requests (and assurances that they’re the last kids on Earth without a phone), the big moment has arrived: they’re getting their first phones. Or at least they will soon.
But it’s not just a gift—it’s a responsibility for them, but also for Karen and me. That sets up the question, what can we do to give them this amazing tool while minimizing risk? We know the following challenges mental and physical health.
- Dependency
- Excessive use
- Social Media
- Sleep Disruption
Otherwise known as DESS. I just made that up but I’m going with it.
Our answer is a phone agreement
Giving a child their first phone is like handing them the keys to a digital car with no brakes. They’re venturing into a new world prepared to apply an algorithm to my boys and will soon know them better than I do.
Inspired by a friend’s phone agreement, I created a customized guide tailored to my kids. It’s a mix of responsibility, trust, and practical rules designed to help them transition into phone ownership smoothly. It’s to mitigate against DESS and they’ll think they’re living in a police state, but it’s your phone they’re using. They’ve been getting a lax with the everyday rules and cleaning up after themselves and this
Here is what we’ve come up with. Is this fair, crazy or somewhere in between? I’d love to hear what others have done successfully. I wish there were more options for phones with fewer apps. If you know if any please be sure to share.
First Phone Adventure
A Guide to Phone Ownership
(Think of it as a Driver’s License for your phone)
Why This Matters
Getting your first phone is exciting – But with great power comes great responsibility. This guide helps you show us you’re ready for this big step.
Show Us You’re Ready!
Demonstrate these skills consistently (at least 5 out of 7 days per week):
Personal Care Champion
- Brush teeth twice daily without reminders
- Shower daily and use deodorant
- Wear clean clothes each day
- Put dirty clothes in the hamper
- Hang up wet towels after a shower
- Keep bathroom tidy after use
Home Responsibility Hero
- Complete assigned chores within 1 hour of being asked
- Clear your dishes within 10 minutes of eating
- Clean up after making food/snacks
- Keep your room tidy (bed made, floor clear, desk organized)
- Help with at least one family task daily without being asked (recycling/laundry, dishwasher)
- Put things back where they belong after using them
School Success Star
- Arrive at school on time (no tardies)
- Complete homework before phone time
- Maintain grades at 3 or better
- Be a good school citizen (respectful to teachers/peers)
- Follow classroom rules (no phone-related warnings)
- Keep the phone in the backpack (not pocket) during school hours
- Participate in extracurriculars. Be a joiner
Family & Friends Champion
- Ask before borrowing others’ belongings
- Respond to family texts within 30. minutes
- Help siblings/family when they ask
- Take the initiative to help without being asked
- Demonstrate trustworthiness through honest communication
The Phone Rules (Your Digital Driver’s License!)
Safety First
- Parents know your password (we trust you, but safety comes first!)
- Parents can check phone content at any time (we’ll always respect your privacy, but need to ensure your safety)
- No social media until high school – this is non-negotiable.
- No games/shows rated 16+ or MA
- Always ask permission before taking/sharing photos of others
- No looking up inappropriate content
- Zero tolerance for bullying, mocking, or harassing others
Daily Schedule
School Days:
- Phone Access: 7:30 AM – 7:30 PM
- Phone goes to charging station in [parent-designated spot]
- 2 Hours of usage per school day
- No phone during school hours (stays in backpack)
- No phone during sports/clubs
Weekends:
- Phone Access: 8:00 AM – 8:30 PM
- The same charging station rule applies
- 3 hours use per day
Phone-Free Zones
- During meals (including restaurants)
- Family hangout time
- Homework time (unless needed for research)
- Bedrooms after designated hours
- During face-to-face conversations
Phone Etiquette
- Focus on people, not your phone during conversations
- Respond to calls/texts from parents promptly
- Use appropriate language in all communications
- Only use phone for approved purposes:
- Calling and texting
- Approved apps and games
- Music (with appropriate content)
- School-related research
- Photography and Video
- Put the phone away when talking to others
- No phone use while walking or in dangerous situations
Breaking These Rules Means:
- First warning: One-day phone restriction and family discussion
- Second warning: Three-day phone restriction and family discussion
- Third warning: One-week phone restriction and family/friend discussion
- Serious violations: Longer and immediate restrictions and community discussion
Perks of Following the Rules!
- Earn extended weekend hours after 3 months of responsible use
- Get game time privileges after consistently following rules
- Build trust for future privileges
- Show you’re ready for more independence
Your Signature of Awesome Responsibility
I understand and agree to these guidelines because I’m ready to be a responsible phone owner!
Teen Signature: _________________ Date: _________
Parent Signature: ________________ Date: _________
Remember: This isn’t about restricting your freedom – it’s about helping you develop habits that will benefit you for life!
Following the rules earns extended weekend hours, game privileges, and trust for more independence.
Speaking of phones, what do you do with all those photos you have on them. I created a video featuring 8,000 photos from their childhood. Watching them crawl, leap, and create reminds me they are curious kids, which could be a benefit and a curse. We’ll keep you posted.